This article is a news satirical piece for entertainment purposes only. Even though the individuals named herein are real people, it is not intended to communicate any true or factual information about them.

by I. Chothia

A great black cloud has hovered over the UK in the wake of the Queen’s jubilee celebrations, which marked Her Majesty’s 70 years on the throne, the first British Monarch to reach this glorious milestone. More than 200,000 local events and street parties lined the streets over the four-day bank holiday weekend; masses, including celebrities, flocked to London to show their love, and millions more took part in celebrations from the comfort of their living rooms. The jubilation, however, has since become muted following publication of an article by renowned journalist, Marrium Zaidi, who held no punches in her opinion piece, The Monarchy: To Abolish Or Not To Abolish, read by millions across the country, in which she has accused the public of unduly pandering to the Royal Family. ‘Enough is enough!’ she states, each enunciated word a chilling blow to all those who have pledged their allegiance in favour of retaining a monarch, and a bold insult to the Queen, who has been the ultimate symbol of what it means to be British for centuries. One of our correspondents on the ground has gone as far as to say that even Her Majesty’s guards, renowned for their immaculate poker faces, have been caught wincing at the sound of passers by discussing the scandal, and presumably at the mere thought of a blasphemous Royal flush.

‘It’s absolutely nuts’, said one disgruntled member of the public. ‘We get extra holidays and evryfing! [sic] What is her problem!?’ he added. That said, many have sympathised with Zaidi, implying that she’s only saying what others are thinking, and some suggesting, rather ironically, that she should even be knighted for her bravery. Zaidi, who refused to justify her stance or retract any of her statements, was simply witnessed leaving her office in the early hours, yelling, ‘I identify as a guy…Guy Fawkes’, with some questioning her distasteful outbursts and wondering how she could waste such an opportunity for damage limitation.

Although we are yet to receive an official response from the Palace, we have it on good authority that Zaidi will likely be charged with treason and that Beefeaters, the Tower Guards, are believed to already be preparing one of its torturous cells in anticipation of her arrrival. Could it really be that the Tower of London awaits one of Britain’s most decorated journalists? The nation is divided in half lest Zaidi be quartered!

What happens next? Who knows? We’ll leave the guessing to you; leave the investigation to us.

Update to follow